It’s been a long time since Bafana Bafana's glory days. During Clive Barker's tenure in the mid-90s, the national soccer team was a respected powerhouse on the continent.

Now we’ve fallen to the bottom of the barrel, with a band of merry men who have made an art out of disappointing the poor South African public.

And, in the process, they have turned soccer in the country into a worldwide laughing matter.

We are still haunted by the team’s premature celebrations after their 2012 Africa Cup of Nations qualifying match against Sierra Leone.

Gone are the days when supporters cried tears of joy after 90 minutes, now days there are only tears of sorrow and disbelief.

It's still hard to believe that our boys could not bag a measly six points from their last two 2014 World Cup qualifiers, against Ethiopia and Botswana.

Right now, caretaker coach Steve Komphela is valiantly trying to resuscitate the unresponsive team, while Safa searches for a permanent replacement for the axed Pitso Mosimane.

Finding the right person for the job is of critical national importance. So, being the dedicated soccer fans and patriotic South Africans that we are, we’ve decided to help Safa out by drawing up a job spec to advertise the post of Bafana’s head coach.

Vacancy: Bafana Bafana

Job Title:  Head Coach

Company: South African Football Association

Job Type: Semi-permanent (We have employed over 15 coaches since 1992, nothing lasts forever, people).

Nationality – N/A (We have tried Brazilian, South African, Peruvian, Romanian, Portuguese, French and even Scottish – as soon as intergalactic travel becomes available we will consider looking further afield).

Job Competencies

• Interpersonal savvy: The successful candidate must never forget the words "We learnt a lesson today", and must be able to keep the media appropriately subdued at post-match interviews. We will provide a list of synonyms and euphemisms for losing or drawing, but in the unlikely event of a win, he or she will just have to make something up quickly.

• Language skills: Don’t speak the lingo? No problem! So what if the players don't understand a word you say, we’ll get you a translator – guaranteed to translate your rants into at least one of our eleven official languages, or a reasonable facsimile thereof. Money is no object (as the successful candidate will no doubt gather from their paycheck).

• The successful candidate is not expected to achieve unreasonable goals, such as qualify for Soccer World Cup or Africa Cup of Nations competitions, or indeed any other major tournament, really. We host those silly events more often than not, so why bother qualifying?

• The successful candidate is required to have preferential access to at least one form of supernatural entity (genies in bottles, wish rings and leprechauns are all acceptable) to give our strikers the miracle they apparently need to actually score a goal. The South African public can be very insistent about this.

• He or she should be able to withstand considerable pressure on game day. But don’t worry, the pressure won’t be on the coach to actually win. Just…try not to lose, okay? A draw will be fine! Or, at least, try not to lose too badly.

• Field eleven players at all times. Especially - and this is very important – especially in goal.  Fortunately, form is not essential. Not for a goalkeeper, anyway.

 
Qualifications

• We believe the candidate does not need to know boring tactics as long as he or she has some basic knowledge of the game. Like the idea that sides switch direction after half time. This is fairly important.

Outputs

• Fifa world rankings carry a lot of weight – it will be important for the successful candidate to maintain Bafana’s current position at 68 in the rankings. In 1996 we were ranked 16 (those were the days) but right now we’re just relieved that we’re not into the triple digits.

Thank you for your application. If you have not heard from us within 21 days, please do contact us, as we’re unlikely to have turned you down.

At this stage, we’ll take anyone. Seriously. Call me.